Keeping Perspective: The End in Sight

Been thinking of my entire school career: starting with preschool and ending, to a certain degree, soon.

Been thinking I do not have to be in school.

Been thinking of the family who went to school before me.

Been thinking of being the sister, aunt, cousin, granddaughter, daughter that has an MA, that will have a PhD.

Been thinking of how I could have just become a monastic, an ascetic, a flower shop owner, a wife, a pilot, a farmer, a priest, a pastor, a suicide,  a mother.  

       How I could have done nothing.

       How I could still be and do or not do all these things, and, yet, I’m here in a coffee shop on Shell Beach still working on my dissertation.

Been thinking of the space I inhabit here and now, and in that space, I can simultaneously believe I am very productive and then fall into thinking I am not accomplishing much at all; how I can feel that everything  I want to accomplish is easy and, then suddenly, daunting.

Been thinking of not succumbing to self-sabotage.

Been thinking of not betraying myself and my story.

Been thinking a lot.

Been thinking too much.   

With the Sequoias

Defending and the Aftershock

This past weekend, I celebrated the hard work of prepping and then defending my dissertation.  That moment – in the school room with my three committee members (one via skype), my colleagues, my tutors, my accountability partners, and other teachers – I reached my limit.  

There was something about the mixture of public speaking, summarizing my work, embodying the vulnerability that is foundational to my work, navigating desires to please my mentors, and also dealing with paperwork; this mixture was almost too much.  Too much in the way that calculus and chemistry and physics were for me in high school and undergrad.  Too much in the way that scuba diving through a tunnel 12 meters below the water’s surface were for me in the Philippines.  Of course, I imagine that one day, I’ll be fine tackling mathematics and diving and perhaps even speaking about my work.   But, nearly two hours of defending my study with all those other elements mentioned above was crazy making. I am trying not to analyze the “why” behind my feelings too much at this time; instead, I’d like to accept these feelings the way in which I accept my brain doesn’t quite understand, at this time, higher levels of math and deep levels of water.   

Celebratory Dinner at Gracias Madre

Thankfully, I will never have to participate in a “dissertation defense” (so "masculine" of a term and action as a friend writes and as I concur) again.

That is, my dissertation was approved!  I enjoyed much needed rest and relaxation these past few days: therapies of all sorts including massages, the company of friends around a fire, hiking, and kayaking through tunnels (above the water of course).

Now begins the final final revisions of formatting and tightening up everything.  

Graduating. Graduating? Graduating!

Yesterday, three great things happened. First, I finished another complete revision of my dissertation; second, I spoke with my committee chair; and three, I applied for graduation (and the publication of my dissertation for a total almost $400).

Yep, I spent the morning finishing up the conclusion, and then I had a meeting with my chair, and she said, “well, congratulations!” and I said, “should I apply for graduation? Deadline is Friday” and she said, “yes!”

It’s funny because it’s still hard for me to believe that graduation is coming.  It’s that imposter syndrome perhaps, and another part of it is superstition (like knock on wood); it’s like I don’t want to, by celebrating my upcoming graduation, somehow stop it from happening.

And, yet, here’s my chair saying, “do it! You’re ready!” And, then there was the conversation with my second committee member, who said I was far ahead of others preparing to graduate. 

It's been too long -- February Check-in

Well, here it is -- February -- and although it may appear that I have been lazing it with the writing, I'm here today to testify to my great accomplishments this past month or so. True, I haven't been in the midst of my dissertation itself, but I have been writing and organizing.

First, the writing: in the last few weeks, I have been a part of two amazing opportunities that are directly connected to my dissertation study.  I attended a three day writing workshop with Maestra Cherrie Moraga, and I worked as a TA (and also attended) a spiritual memoir writing class with Maestra Ana Castillo.  Both of these mujeres are pivotal in my PhD studies, and as a facebook friend noted, they are forces of nature.  I strongly concur, and during the workshops, I wrote about my family/shame as well as spirituality/belonging. Then, I spent last week or so processing and letting myself be transformed by their guidance.  Trying to let the transformation reach into my academic work as well as my personal growth.

Second, during this time, I received feedback from my two other readers on my dissertation committee, and I spent some time in dialogue with them about how to incorporate Indigenous roots, linguistic integration, and decolonial emphasis into my dissertation.  Big stuff I tell you; however, after it all (or in the midst of it all), I have a sense that although words may fail me, the creative aspect in my study will save me.

Finally, my energy has been going toward making sure all the paperwork and organization was in place for me to graduate this coming May. Indeed, I am almost there, and after many emails, my dissertation defense is set:

Women’s Spirituality

Invites You to

A Doctoral Dissertation Defense

by

Cristina Rose Smith

Finding Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican Transformational Integration in Solidarity in Multiethnic Creative Texts:A Mestiza Approach to Ethnoautobiographical and Literary Critical Methodologies

Defense: 3:00pm tp 5:00pm, room 307

Celebration: 5:00pm to 6:00pm, room 308

on Thursday, February 20, 2014
1453 Mission Street, room 425

Mestizas embody the multiplicity of their ancestral locations, ethnicities, and cultures.  Being "in all cultures at the same time," as Gloria Anzaldúa describes, these multiethnic women are in the borderlands and the diaspora.  Biologically woven in diversity, they are often internally restless within a socially constructed racial framework that would have them identify as either "women of color" or "white" when they have Indigenous and Euroamerican subjectivities. In particular, this study addresses those Mestizas who have been raised to pass or cover as "white."  Indeed, these women, and, I argue, all Mestizas must work towards integration in solidarity, that is, internal as well as external integration (within ourselves and women's spirituality communities) while bringing a conscious solidarity to these relationships.

Organized around three literary elements - characters, imagery, and diction - this study seeks this integration in solidarity through juxtaposing creative texts that portray Mestiza multiplicity. Specifically, using a transdisciplinary Mestiza approach - bearing feminist and decolonial Indigenous lenses - with ethnoautobiographical methodologies, this research explores my Xicana-Filipina-Euroamerican creative texts to find these literary elements which encourage "integration in solidarity within." Additionally, employing a Mestiza approach to literary criticism, this scholarship engages with four published works - (Xicana) Ana Castillo's So Far From God, (Filipinas) Jessica Hagedorn's Dogeaters and Merlinda Bobis' Flight is Song on Four Winds, and (Euroamerican) Starhawk's The Fifth Sacred Thing - to deepen this research of integration in solidarity.  Altogether, this dissertation offers nepantla spaces in which Mestizas –  inspired by nepantleras and babaylans – create kapwa.

Dissertation Committee Chair:        Alka Arora, Ph.D.

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Dissertation Commitee Member:    Sandra Pacheco, Ph.D.

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Dissertation External Member:       Leny Strobel, Ph.D.

So, finally, a month and a half from submitting my study to my entire committee, I am back in a grounded place and space (the gorgeous Huasna Valley that reminds me so much of Mora County, New Mexico), plans have been made for the rest of the semester till I graduate, and feedback has been given (and more will come this next week) from each of my committee members.

Thus, it is time to revise!

(Ok, I do have to move into the new living space today, but I have the next 10 days to figure out what I can revise and what I can work on for "further study."  Then, I'll email -- on February 14 is my goal -- the draft out again to everyone to prep them for the defense, and I'll have 5 days or so to prep myself for the defense too. And, really, I have a powerpoint and a prezi I've used before, so, really, it's just practicing and narrowing in on what I can cover in an hour presentation/defense.)

But, it is time to revise, time to let myself fall back into my dissertation, time to make time, and time to believe in my study again.

I write all this because it is a challenge and an opportunity; it is a walk through and with vulnerability and creativity; it is the place I must confront the imposter syndrome feelings, etc etc etc.

Thankfully, my wombyn's circle on Monday tackled this issue head on, and I have a new vision board to help me!

Maestra Moraga's Writing Workshop Circle

2013 Annual Newsletter: Grieving the Times When Everything Was Not “OK.”

2013 has been a challenging year. 

I started this year in my paternal grandmother’s homeland, the Philippines.  I celebrated the new year on North Pandan Island: watching turtles lay their eggs, seeing baby turtles born on the shore, sleeping on the massage tables and hammocks, and diving Apo Reef (second largest contiguous coral reef in the world!).  -- http://whc.unesco.org/en/tentativelists/5033/

 

Spent a good portion of my time in the Philippines in Palawan and the Visayan region.  Then, I traveled with Filipina-American manais (older sisters) to Mindanao and visited the Indigenous tribal communities still thriving there.  I was even asked to share my research on women’s spirituality in Zamboanga.

 

 

Overall, although this time had amazing moments of superb joy and beauty, I was also really challenged by the hard realities of racism and sexism, which I perhaps saw and felt more clearly traveling in South East Asia.  Still, from these experiences I was able to recognize much more clearly the multiple oppressions of race and sex in California, in my history, and in my communities upon my return.

 

Returning to California, I continued my graduate studies and lived between family and old (now many farmer) friends.  To help motivate myself, I wrote about my academic journey on my blog: cristyroses.blogspot.com.  In the spring, I wrote and submitted my dissertation proposal.  In the summer, I advanced to candidacy and began writing the dissertation itself.  Then, in the autumn, I submitted a complete draft of my research!  I’ve had many opportunities to present my research along the way, and I’ve also been honored to have my creative writing published in a handful of anthologies.  In 2014, I hope to continue this presentation and publication trend!

 

 

Additionally, as a part of my school endeavors, I’ve been developing mentor relationships with my dissertation committee members.   It was with their encouragement that I submitted and presented at the Gloria E. Anzaldua conference this year.     

Moreover, with their support, I helped to facilitate community events with the Fil-Am community in the Bay Area including the opening ceremony of Fil-Am day at the Asian Art Museum. 

 

 

Other big mile markers?  In September, I celebrated my birthday with an under the sea party.  In October, I journeyed to Alaska for some adventures, and in November, I sprained my ankle badly.  This injury is perhaps the biggest of my life (lucky me right?), and it’s created a growing season these last couple months.  Thankfully, I was still able to join in on our annual Joshua Tree New Years Camping Week.  What a glorious time!!  

 

Truly, the holidays were so precious to me this year because of my travels last year.  And, altogether, 2013 has been one of growth for my creativity, my writing, and my whole integrated self.  I can’t even imagine what 2014 will bring.

 

 

Ana Castillo and Focus, Courage, Assertiveness

Waking up to the good news that I will be working with Ana Castillo in January!!!  I'm just thrilled, and I keep thinking maybe we'll fall in love!

Really, her book So Far from God changed my life in undergrad at Biola.  And in grad school, I've read and written about much more of her writing: Goddess of the Americas, Massacre of the Dreamers, and The Mixquiahuala Letters to mention a few.

Altogether, this morning, I'm feeling inspired! This is great news in the midst of this "finals week"!  And, as I dive back into editing Chapter 4 today, I'm ready.

The soundtrack for such a day involves some India Arie, no??

"I choose to be the best I that I can be,
I choose to be authentic in everything I do....
And everyday I have the opportunity to choose."

The Texts and Finals Week

Motivated by a fellow scholar's blog about the books they were using for their dissertation, I thought I'd take photographs of mine and put them up here (again).


It's fun to procrastinate and take pictures and post them on social network sites.  Perhaps it's an addiction, but I like think it's a creative outlet as well.  Heck, another colleague of mine makes youtube videos of her singing mash up songs!

And, just for another fun photo-opportunity. Here's my Thesis from my MA in English Literature.  I had to pull this out of the bookcase.  When I think how I wrote this 80 page document, I remember being so organized and assertive about it.  

Indeed, I literally cannot remember a time in my life when I procrastinated as much as I have these last few weeks.   I've been working on feeling productive just carrying around a hard copy of my dissertation, but it doesn't get the work done as much as I hoped!

HOWEVER, this is my last week of writing before I submit a full revised draft of my research to my second and external readers.  It's finals week for me, friends!  And, I am dreaming about my dissertation, analyzing it as I try to sleep (hugs, insomnia!), and processing my argument everywhere I go!  Your prayers would be appreciated.