26 December 2010

Oliver's Travels in the Year 2010

At the farm...

In the family room at the farm

for christmas 2009, the fam came to visit us!

Sarah B and O in the morning

With the visiting friends on the swing

taking a break as walk the land with Denise

getting ready in the morning for the farm work

sleepover in Erynn's bed


dia de los muertos and the jumpy house

backyard sunset

driveway to the farmhouse

around ventura county....

getting ready to fly

hiking around with friends in Santa Paula

beach day with the farm friends

  around l.a. with friends...
with grace

with bella

with beloved peanut

and all kinds of silliness...
time to brush his teeth

30 November 2010

a thing called a phd; the moon within

geezzz....this phd thing is something.  every program out there will be different of course, but mine in particular is a doozy.  the goal? integration. does that seem like no big deal? well, not for me.

my head has been in control or at least thinking it's in control for far too long. it's like i'm saying: hey heart! hey body! let's get together. and my classes and teachers and classmates are part of the process.

classrooms in the woods, papers on my motherline, soul journeys....don't get me wrong; i am thankful.

but, it's just so painful.

09 November 2010

Autumn Travels in the Bay Area

fotografia of me and one of my favorite buildings near Chinatown by Carolina
(who I met in Guanajuato no less)
I travel for school these days.  I explore. I romp around the streets of San Fran, Berkeley, Oakland, Alameda, and thensome.

Vesuvio Bar next to City Lights Books
 I visit the old literary haunts.
Half Moon Bay
I go on adventures with friends to places I've been meaning to go to for so long.

A class picture
 I enjoy the company of my classmates.
Dia de los Muertos, The Mission

Overall, this gypsy life style is intense.  I wonder if I'm too old for it, too old for the sleep overs at friends, too old for carrying everything on my back, and too old for new explorations.  Then I wonder if it's just a "this American life" dream that makes me feel so tired.  Then I wonder if part of me just lingers behind with my grandpa.  Last, I wonder if I just need some sleep at the end of so much romping about.

19 October 2010

I love you or I do not live at all.

I've been in the hospital with my grandfather, and I'm learning something new. Life and Death are so close together -- like twins -- that in a moment death might come and in a moment life might return. I'm finding it frustrating, almost like teasing, but I'm sensing that it is just one of those natural elements of life, like waves or cycles or spirals causing this flux of death and rebirth on many levels.

I've been with three people when they've died, including my 35 year old cousin who died suddenly and my Great Aunt who chose to die on her 100th birthday. There's always a bit of trauma, and I've spent these past years surviving by trying not to feel the emotions so that I wouldn't get caught up in the drama. Realistically, I think I've also numbed myself in other potentially traumatic situations as well. My heart has been protected, but it's so hard for me to face the realities life that really deserve anger and sadness.

Lately, I've also been wondering if I'm really missing out, and I've been creating space in my daily interactions for my true anger and sadness, space for vulnerability.

However, this flux between life and death has me on edge.  I think it's because I don't feel ready for death.  I don't like the idea of my Grandfather dying. I don't want him to die. But, that's not healthy at all. I must learn to let-go. It's a big lesson and perhaps a great one for me because I'm a virgo and like control and safety. Death just doesn't seem safe at all.  Either a big adventure like Peter Pan says or a nothingness, the mystery of death scares me. I was scared so much yesterday I called out to what seemed like everyone in my phone book in a moment of desperation to ask for prayers and such.

And this liminal place in between life and death, where my Papa is now, is so tense. I must trust. I must believe. I must trust in the cycles that bring about rebirth again and again and again. And, I believe in the power of relationships and remembrance. And, I must allow myself to feel within this aura of trust.

Talk about emotions has led me to poetry again, to William Carlos Williams recently and his line about loving or not living at all, and now to Jorge Luis Borges and  his "Instantes." Thanks to Pablo for introducing me to this lovely poem.

If I were able to live my life anew,

In the next I would try to commit more errors.
I would not try to be so perfect, I would relax more.
I would be more foolish than I've been,
In fact, I would take few things seriously.

I would be less hygienic.
I would run more risks,
take more vacations,
contemplate more sunsets,
climb more mountains, swim more rivers.
I would go to more places where I've never been,
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans,
I would have more real problems and less imaginary ones.

I was one of those people that lived sensibly
and prolifically each minute of his life;
Of course I had moments of happiness.
If I could go back I would try
to have only good moments.

Because if you didn't know, of that is life made:
only of moments; Don't lose the now.

I was one of those that never
went anywhere without a thermometer,
a hot-water bottle,
an umbrella, and a parachute;
If I could live again, I would travel lighter.

If I could live again,
I would begin to walk barefoot from the beginning of spring
and I would continue barefoot until autumn ends.
I would take more cart rides,
contemplate more dawns,
and play with more children,
If I had another life ahead of me.

But already you see, I am 85,
and I know that I am dying.

08 October 2010

photographs of me in places I love

I'm applying for an internship in Taos, and in the application, they ask for photos in places I love. I found it so challenging to just choose one of course, so I'm putting the others here. And, to think, these are only just a few. How will I ever settle down somewhere? I wonder, at times, if I'm meant for that gypsy life style. I confess here and now that it might be so.

The Ranch, Golondrinas, NM

Bahia de Los Angeles, Baja

Tinkertown, Sandia Park, NM

Our Farm

05 October 2010

raymond carver autumn mornings

‎"Then to wake up to rain striking the glass.
Flowers in a vase near the window.
The smell of coffee, and you touching your hair
with a gesture like someone who has been gone for years....

Do me a favor this morning. Draw the curtain and come
back to bed.
...Forget the coffee. We'll pretend
we're in a foreign country, and in love."


I'm reminded of the Weepies song about how we look like two lovers in a painting by Chagall as well as my visit to the Zurich Cathedral with Chagall's stain glass work.

I'm also reminded of this poem I wrote a while back...when I was in an ocd kind of love.

In between

I'm looking in the bed sheets for you.
Diving under the covers,
I read once more the symbols on your face and body.
- I breathe you in like old books. I bury my face in you.

My hand, sliding between the top and bottom pages of linen, isn't aimless.
The smooth fabric, the labyrinthine folds –
I feel the edges of you and turn the page.

Pull the yellow bed clothes over us, and
Our world is gold and full of shadows.
Lean in and whisper.

Let's build our tent of sheets again.
You hold that corner, and I'll hold mine.
We wedge the top sheet in the wall-headboard groove,
And we've made a shelter.
It falls down, and
I cover you with me.

And we are the sheets now,
Laying one on top of the other.
We are –
the words are all over our bodies
the (choose your own adventure) story called
Our love.

21 September 2010


"Having gone through a lengthy period of colonial education, I am interested in exploring the steps necessary for a postcolonial intellectual to dislodge herself from habitual ways of thinking, established forms of inquiry, and the reward system vigilantly guarded by the neoliberal academy. By documenting my critical engagement with postcolonial thought, I hope to create a little more space to imagine that an alternative world and a different system of knowing are possible"  - Kwok Pui-lan, Postcolonial Imagination and Feminist Theology

13 September 2010

In my thirties...

So far, my thirties have been joyful and fulfilling.  Travels with friends and studies in women's spirituality is precisely where I want to be.

Tahoe with my other thirty somethings

a women's spirituality class

In my thirties, I want to develop trust and intimacy.

07 September 2010

Things I've lost in the fire

1. New Mexico poncho (Tan and burnt orange with tassels) I loved
2. Simon and Garfunkel Record (Wednesday Morning 3am) I loved

26 August 2010

Autumn is near....

School begins. I need a computer. I procrastinate from writing, by redesigning my blog. I read friends' blogs. I post on their blogs.

I think of the past. I am in the past. I think of the future. I am in the future.

I want to be present.

thanks for this emily

15 July 2010

selling goods on craigs list

I started last week. A desk, a dresser, a lamp, and a record player. It's fun. There's a strange sense of money-making in my spirit. I want to sell more things now and wonder what I can do without.

08 July 2010

Thursday morning back in Oz listening to India Arie

I spend my days with my loved ones. We eat at my favorite places like La Cantarita in old town Placentia and Esther's Taco House! We shuffle about the old shopping places (such comforting moments following my motherline around the store!). We work out at the gym (thanks to my brother!). We bicycle around town. We dance at the Continental Room in old town Fullerton. We meditate together. We romp about Glendale together. And, we listen to inspiring music, like:

And, yet, this Thursday morning finds me back in ole Oxnard to practice hula, walk along the beach, and enjoy the good company of amigas here. B

03 July 2010

Saturday morning in l.a. with jose gonsalez

i like how this is a kylie mynogue cover. i like this song. i like being back in l.a. at mel and josh's. I like being back on my blog and having time for that. Facebook has been fun and easy in the mean time as I can upload fotografias directly, but it doesn't compare to my little nook called "cristy rose hips." Glad to be back "home."

24 June 2010

End of the beginning: the farm life

beginning thoughts on death and rebirth this year on the farm

With a week left at the Oxnard farm, I'm needing to write down some thoughts and feelings and such. I've already begun the letting go process; I began perhaps a month ago after taking my one week off from the farm to visit a dear friend in San Francisco.

Coming back from Sf, it was very clear to me that I had one solid month left with my sisterfriends, family at the Abundant Table Farm Project, and larger community in Ventura County. So, I began to record the bits I would miss from this year as an intern/farmer/farm worker. On facebook, I'd post a picture along with "I will miss...." like:

I will miss playing guitar in the morning in the big room with Oliver

I will miss driving down Hueneme Road

I will miss living so close to the ocean

I will miss my farm harvesting outfits

A new non-profit, of course, has it's challenges. And, there are some things I certainly will not miss. Working and living at the same place is a recipe for chaos, and I've had to be really clear about my boundaries and what is rest and what is not even when the work is a gift and a joy!

Working at the market

Retreats at the farm

Early morning in the fields!

ATFP parties at the house

Dinners in the big kitchen

Having friends visit the farm has been another great honor as well.

Living in community itself is challenging and yet rewarding. It's a marriage/relationship really as far as I see it.

And, overall, there's my relationship with the Earth: