SouthWesting: Way South (for me)

Currently, we are driving down the 469 from Logan to SanJon, New Mexico.  The flat, wide open spaces are covered with brush and maybe former grasslands.   As we’ve been driving, we’ve suddenly come upon surprising canyons with rivers as well as come out to great views.  It’s surprising to me that we are not on sea level when cruising these plains.  Today we are heading to Oklahoma via Palo Duro Canyon in Texas (near Amarillo). 

After spending a solid 5 days at the family ranch, Rancho Escondido, in Golondrinas, this excursion is quite refreshing even though I miss the cool weather in the high desert with the cliffs on either side of our dwelling by the Mora River.  Although a good chunk of time was spent there, we didn’t really get to explore but for a couple days.  Over the weekend, I was as sick as I’ve been in a long time.  My family really took care of me and fed me all kinds of New Mexican feasts!  We arrived with dear friends from California – Jill and family – and that afternoon we wandered to the cave and around the land.  I had mostly told Jill the ranch stories in our decade long correspondence, and I think for both of us, it was like seeing a storybook of good friends on magic land become reality.  After Jill’s departure, I just let myself sleep, and the snowy weather seemed to support this decision.  Eventually, I made my way out of the house, and in the last couple days, we bicycled around Golondrinas and then explored Vegas, high point having a beer at the Plaza Hotel that my family used to own. 

Although it felt good to write in big letters “sick day” on the calendar, I also felt the pressure to complete the small tasks I’ve put off in the last month while editing my dissertation.  Today marks almost two weeks since that last deadline, and in these two weeks, I’ve really been able to get some things accomplished.  This morning I wrote a list:

-          MALCS cfpapers for presentation

-          Decolonial Love As Us cfpoetry

-          SSGA cfpapers for publication

            FilAm celebration in downtown L.A. cf art!

-          Paying my tech review (Holy Moly!)

-          Keeping up with my TA work with Ana Castillo

-          NWSA WoCLeadership Project application

-          Testimonial to my program for their website

A good deal of creative and enjoyable short pieces. 

 Additionally, I found out that another of my poems, “Tita Tells Me,” has been accepted for publication in a lovely Filipina anthology on intergenerational Fil-Ams.

Altogether, I’ve been writing creatively and water-coloring and really, I guess, marketing my work to different groups out there that connect with my themes and purposes.  I’ve written a couple different short bios and artistic intentions.  Perhaps the one I will share on this blog are from the school testimonial.

Before entering the Women’s Spirituality program at CIIS, Cristina was a writing teacher at CSU, Long Beach.  Along with teaching at CSULB, she also worked as an interfaith chaplain and helped to coordinate, at the Women’s Resource Center (WRC) on campus, a project to end violence towards women students. 

She had studied English Women’s Literature for her BA and MA, and she was trying to figure out the next step for herself.  Decreasing funds for teachers and project coordinators on campus were forcing many of her colleagues to leave California, and Cristina thought it was probably a good time to go back to school.   Her own personal life circumstances also encouraged her to make a change with her life. 

“Being a lover of literature, I escaped into books and pretended that the traumas of life didn’t exist.  I didn’t know how to live in reality, and after being trained as a sexual assault crisis counselor with the WRC, I realized I had been living in a rape culture all along.  I realized violence was normal in my daily life, and I decided I had had enough.”

One of Cristina’s mentors at the WRC told her about the PhD program in Women’s Spirituality at CIIS.  At the same time, Cristina was invited to co-coordinate a farm community with four other women.  She decided to enter the WSE program as a semi-distance student.

“It was perfect. I worked on the farm all day – weeding and harvesting – and then I worked on my papers on ecofeminist thought!  Before entering the PhD program,  I had no idea that women and the Earth were an integral part of women’s spirituality! That year turned out all kinds of synergy.”

Finishing her first year and writing, in that, a paper on her motherline, Cristina decided it was time to explore her Xicana and Filipina ancestral lineage.  While completing her coursework, she traveled to New Mexico and the Philippines.  She was able to meet and learn from her personal role models, including Leny Strobel, Cherrie Moraga, and Ana Castillo.   And through WSE, she worked as Ana Castillo’s Teaching Assistant.   Cristina connected with scholars in the fields of mestiza discourse, pedagogies of the sacred, and indigenous Filipina epistemologies. 

“Suddenly I was writing a dissertation that brought together my love of literature as well as acknowledged the painful experiences in myself, my ancestors, and my communities due to racism and colonization as well as sexism and patriarchy.”

As Cristina wrote her dissertation, she also developed her creative writing and has had a few of her pieces published in anthologies such as Mujeres de Maiz: Ofrendas of the Flesh and Verses Typhoon Yolanda: A Storm of Filipino Poets.  

Cristina is currently working to complete her dissertation.   Check out her progress at cristyroses.blogspot.com.

SOUTHWESTING (and tech reviewing and submitting)

On the road.

So, today I am in San Antonio at the ASWM (Association for the Study of Women and Mythology) conference on "Borderlands."  Yesterday, I presented my work on "Stories of Multicultural 'Integrative Solidarity': A Mestiza (Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican) Approach to Creative Texts."  It went so well (better than ever), and the discussion after, both yesterday and today, has been amazing. These are conversations on mestiza literature and indigenous epistemologies; moreover, how these topics intersect with our family histories as well as daily and very personal lives.

This conference comes at a perfect time. I feel so affirmed in my study, and this weekend ends up being a reunion and a celebration. We are not only celebrating our presentations; additionally, I am specifically also living it up after completing another revision of my dissertation after receiving my technical review! What a doozy! I must have put 100 hours in this last week, and it feels amazing to mail in the hard copy of this now very clean 341 page manuscript. 

Also received some great news about my creative writing.  March brings the publication of two of my creative works: one in Verses Typhoon Yolanda: A Storm of Filipino Poets and the other in Mujeres de Maiz. Another great accomplishment in my life is my interaction with VONA (Voices of Our Nation Foundation) this June. 

I applied to VONA, giving my manuscript and writing:

What drew you to the VONA/Voices Workshop?:
I am currently finishing up a dissertation entitled: An Altar to “Integrative Solidarity”: A Mestiza (Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican) Approach to Creative Texts. In this study, I delve into issues of internal divisions and new consciousness through a transformative engagement with multiculturalism. I also address how I am read as white in certain contexts, and I speak to my white privilege. I also engage with memories when I have been racially identified and exoticized. In this study, I explore my own creative texts (poetry and prose) using ethnoautobiographical methodologies. It is these creative texts that I hope to bring to the VONA / Voices workshop.

What do you hope to accomplish in the VONA/Voices workshop?:
There are so many nuances to the conversation on being multi ethnic, locational, and cultural. What I hope to accomplish in the VONA/ Voices workshop is to dive into deeper engagement with this discourse, through my creative writing, among other writers of color. The diversity of writers that will be present at VONA/ Voices is inspiring and encouraging as well as challenging to me. I am grateful for the opportunity to apply.

What does VONA/Voices mean to you as a writer of color?:
As a writer of color, VONA/ Voices signifies a place to be nurtured and challenged by established writers of color. It is a space to come face to face and learn from my role models. It is a sacred community I would be honored to engage with.

What are your goals as a writer?:
My goals as a writer, finishing her PhD, are to refocus my energy on my heart, my creativity, and my body. I have had a couple recent publications of my creative work, which has surprised me. I wrote and submitted them in order to (re)engage with my dissertation from a new direction, and, admittedly, to take breaks in my academic writing. My hope is to approach my creative writing more directly in this next phase of life; I would like to stand in my power as a creative writer as well as an academic writer.

In response to my submission, they wrote, "Terrific project. Auto-ethno-historio-hybrid-spiritual approach perfect for travel workshop."

Sisterfriend's coffee shop in Phoenix

Finally, all this has gone down while we've been on the road "SouthWesting" as I'm calling it.  This journey included a stop in Phoenix, Balmorhea, Austin, and San Antonio now and tomorrow to ABQ for my next presentation. Of course, the beautiful thing, too, is being able to visit bio family and chosen family.  Let me conclude with some photographs from this journey:

At the White Horse in Austin
with friends from all over
(Hong Kong, Chicago, CA)

Riverwalk in San Antonio
with my cousin.
Our great-grandmothers were sisters!

Keeping Perspective: The End in Sight

Been thinking of my entire school career: starting with preschool and ending, to a certain degree, soon.

Been thinking I do not have to be in school.

Been thinking of the family who went to school before me.

Been thinking of being the sister, aunt, cousin, granddaughter, daughter that has an MA, that will have a PhD.

Been thinking of how I could have just become a monastic, an ascetic, a flower shop owner, a wife, a pilot, a farmer, a priest, a pastor, a suicide,  a mother.  

       How I could have done nothing.

       How I could still be and do or not do all these things, and, yet, I’m here in a coffee shop on Shell Beach still working on my dissertation.

Been thinking of the space I inhabit here and now, and in that space, I can simultaneously believe I am very productive and then fall into thinking I am not accomplishing much at all; how I can feel that everything  I want to accomplish is easy and, then suddenly, daunting.

Been thinking of not succumbing to self-sabotage.

Been thinking of not betraying myself and my story.

Been thinking a lot.

Been thinking too much.   

With the Sequoias

Defending and the Aftershock

This past weekend, I celebrated the hard work of prepping and then defending my dissertation.  That moment – in the school room with my three committee members (one via skype), my colleagues, my tutors, my accountability partners, and other teachers – I reached my limit.  

There was something about the mixture of public speaking, summarizing my work, embodying the vulnerability that is foundational to my work, navigating desires to please my mentors, and also dealing with paperwork; this mixture was almost too much.  Too much in the way that calculus and chemistry and physics were for me in high school and undergrad.  Too much in the way that scuba diving through a tunnel 12 meters below the water’s surface were for me in the Philippines.  Of course, I imagine that one day, I’ll be fine tackling mathematics and diving and perhaps even speaking about my work.   But, nearly two hours of defending my study with all those other elements mentioned above was crazy making. I am trying not to analyze the “why” behind my feelings too much at this time; instead, I’d like to accept these feelings the way in which I accept my brain doesn’t quite understand, at this time, higher levels of math and deep levels of water.   

Celebratory Dinner at Gracias Madre

Thankfully, I will never have to participate in a “dissertation defense” (so "masculine" of a term and action as a friend writes and as I concur) again.

That is, my dissertation was approved!  I enjoyed much needed rest and relaxation these past few days: therapies of all sorts including massages, the company of friends around a fire, hiking, and kayaking through tunnels (above the water of course).

Now begins the final final revisions of formatting and tightening up everything.  

Graduating. Graduating? Graduating!

Yesterday, three great things happened. First, I finished another complete revision of my dissertation; second, I spoke with my committee chair; and three, I applied for graduation (and the publication of my dissertation for a total almost $400).

Yep, I spent the morning finishing up the conclusion, and then I had a meeting with my chair, and she said, “well, congratulations!” and I said, “should I apply for graduation? Deadline is Friday” and she said, “yes!”

It’s funny because it’s still hard for me to believe that graduation is coming.  It’s that imposter syndrome perhaps, and another part of it is superstition (like knock on wood); it’s like I don’t want to, by celebrating my upcoming graduation, somehow stop it from happening.

And, yet, here’s my chair saying, “do it! You’re ready!” And, then there was the conversation with my second committee member, who said I was far ahead of others preparing to graduate. 

It's been too long -- February Check-in

Well, here it is -- February -- and although it may appear that I have been lazing it with the writing, I'm here today to testify to my great accomplishments this past month or so. True, I haven't been in the midst of my dissertation itself, but I have been writing and organizing.

First, the writing: in the last few weeks, I have been a part of two amazing opportunities that are directly connected to my dissertation study.  I attended a three day writing workshop with Maestra Cherrie Moraga, and I worked as a TA (and also attended) a spiritual memoir writing class with Maestra Ana Castillo.  Both of these mujeres are pivotal in my PhD studies, and as a facebook friend noted, they are forces of nature.  I strongly concur, and during the workshops, I wrote about my family/shame as well as spirituality/belonging. Then, I spent last week or so processing and letting myself be transformed by their guidance.  Trying to let the transformation reach into my academic work as well as my personal growth.

Second, during this time, I received feedback from my two other readers on my dissertation committee, and I spent some time in dialogue with them about how to incorporate Indigenous roots, linguistic integration, and decolonial emphasis into my dissertation.  Big stuff I tell you; however, after it all (or in the midst of it all), I have a sense that although words may fail me, the creative aspect in my study will save me.

Finally, my energy has been going toward making sure all the paperwork and organization was in place for me to graduate this coming May. Indeed, I am almost there, and after many emails, my dissertation defense is set:

Women’s Spirituality

Invites You to

A Doctoral Dissertation Defense

by

Cristina Rose Smith

Finding Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican Transformational Integration in Solidarity in Multiethnic Creative Texts:A Mestiza Approach to Ethnoautobiographical and Literary Critical Methodologies

Defense: 3:00pm tp 5:00pm, room 307

Celebration: 5:00pm to 6:00pm, room 308

on Thursday, February 20, 2014
1453 Mission Street, room 425

Mestizas embody the multiplicity of their ancestral locations, ethnicities, and cultures.  Being "in all cultures at the same time," as Gloria Anzaldúa describes, these multiethnic women are in the borderlands and the diaspora.  Biologically woven in diversity, they are often internally restless within a socially constructed racial framework that would have them identify as either "women of color" or "white" when they have Indigenous and Euroamerican subjectivities. In particular, this study addresses those Mestizas who have been raised to pass or cover as "white."  Indeed, these women, and, I argue, all Mestizas must work towards integration in solidarity, that is, internal as well as external integration (within ourselves and women's spirituality communities) while bringing a conscious solidarity to these relationships.

Organized around three literary elements - characters, imagery, and diction - this study seeks this integration in solidarity through juxtaposing creative texts that portray Mestiza multiplicity. Specifically, using a transdisciplinary Mestiza approach - bearing feminist and decolonial Indigenous lenses - with ethnoautobiographical methodologies, this research explores my Xicana-Filipina-Euroamerican creative texts to find these literary elements which encourage "integration in solidarity within." Additionally, employing a Mestiza approach to literary criticism, this scholarship engages with four published works - (Xicana) Ana Castillo's So Far From God, (Filipinas) Jessica Hagedorn's Dogeaters and Merlinda Bobis' Flight is Song on Four Winds, and (Euroamerican) Starhawk's The Fifth Sacred Thing - to deepen this research of integration in solidarity.  Altogether, this dissertation offers nepantla spaces in which Mestizas –  inspired by nepantleras and babaylans – create kapwa.

Dissertation Committee Chair:        Alka Arora, Ph.D.

mmnnnnnj

Dissertation Commitee Member:    Sandra Pacheco, Ph.D.

nnnnnn
Dissertation External Member:       Leny Strobel, Ph.D.

So, finally, a month and a half from submitting my study to my entire committee, I am back in a grounded place and space (the gorgeous Huasna Valley that reminds me so much of Mora County, New Mexico), plans have been made for the rest of the semester till I graduate, and feedback has been given (and more will come this next week) from each of my committee members.

Thus, it is time to revise!

(Ok, I do have to move into the new living space today, but I have the next 10 days to figure out what I can revise and what I can work on for "further study."  Then, I'll email -- on February 14 is my goal -- the draft out again to everyone to prep them for the defense, and I'll have 5 days or so to prep myself for the defense too. And, really, I have a powerpoint and a prezi I've used before, so, really, it's just practicing and narrowing in on what I can cover in an hour presentation/defense.)

But, it is time to revise, time to let myself fall back into my dissertation, time to make time, and time to believe in my study again.

I write all this because it is a challenge and an opportunity; it is a walk through and with vulnerability and creativity; it is the place I must confront the imposter syndrome feelings, etc etc etc.

Thankfully, my wombyn's circle on Monday tackled this issue head on, and I have a new vision board to help me!

Maestra Moraga's Writing Workshop Circle

2013 Annual Newsletter: Grieving the Times When Everything Was Not “OK.”

2013 has been a challenging year. 

I started this year in my paternal grandmother’s homeland, the Philippines.  I celebrated the new year on North Pandan Island: watching turtles lay their eggs, seeing baby turtles born on the shore, sleeping on the massage tables and hammocks, and diving Apo Reef (second largest contiguous coral reef in the world!).  -- http://whc.unesco.org/en/tentativelists/5033/

 

Spent a good portion of my time in the Philippines in Palawan and the Visayan region.  Then, I traveled with Filipina-American manais (older sisters) to Mindanao and visited the Indigenous tribal communities still thriving there.  I was even asked to share my research on women’s spirituality in Zamboanga.

 

 

Overall, although this time had amazing moments of superb joy and beauty, I was also really challenged by the hard realities of racism and sexism, which I perhaps saw and felt more clearly traveling in South East Asia.  Still, from these experiences I was able to recognize much more clearly the multiple oppressions of race and sex in California, in my history, and in my communities upon my return.

 

Returning to California, I continued my graduate studies and lived between family and old (now many farmer) friends.  To help motivate myself, I wrote about my academic journey on my blog: cristyroses.blogspot.com.  In the spring, I wrote and submitted my dissertation proposal.  In the summer, I advanced to candidacy and began writing the dissertation itself.  Then, in the autumn, I submitted a complete draft of my research!  I’ve had many opportunities to present my research along the way, and I’ve also been honored to have my creative writing published in a handful of anthologies.  In 2014, I hope to continue this presentation and publication trend!

 

 

Additionally, as a part of my school endeavors, I’ve been developing mentor relationships with my dissertation committee members.   It was with their encouragement that I submitted and presented at the Gloria E. Anzaldua conference this year.     

Moreover, with their support, I helped to facilitate community events with the Fil-Am community in the Bay Area including the opening ceremony of Fil-Am day at the Asian Art Museum. 

 

 

Other big mile markers?  In September, I celebrated my birthday with an under the sea party.  In October, I journeyed to Alaska for some adventures, and in November, I sprained my ankle badly.  This injury is perhaps the biggest of my life (lucky me right?), and it’s created a growing season these last couple months.  Thankfully, I was still able to join in on our annual Joshua Tree New Years Camping Week.  What a glorious time!!  

 

Truly, the holidays were so precious to me this year because of my travels last year.  And, altogether, 2013 has been one of growth for my creativity, my writing, and my whole integrated self.  I can’t even imagine what 2014 will bring.