"Solidarity Within"

Gave a 52 page chapter 5 to my dissertation chair on Friday, and it felt wonderful. I enjoyed in this chapter being able to bring in my literary analytic tools.  I found myself flowing and accessing a remembered creativity and assertiveness too.

Now, four days later, I’m worried again that what I’ve written needs serious revisions.  No, really, in my sleep, I don’t worry it needs revisions, I fear it’s unacceptable. 

I was telling someone last week I believe that I haven’t felt this much anxiety and fear about my writing since I was in 6^th grade.  I was sharing my old story of how, before 6^th grade, I wanted to belong so much, but I had no idea how to make it happen.  After 6^th grade, I learned some specific ways to “fit in” by losing weight, memorizing and regurgitating, and writing to the teacher. 

Well, I’ve come full circle, right? Finally, in my PhD, I’m embracing that little girl and saying you don’t have to “fit in”; you can study in a way that feeds your body, mind, and heart.  And, my dissertation is a platform for my voice speaking to this topic of internal solidarity.  

Now, on to revise the intro and draft a conclusion this week.