Challenges...and essay challenge 2017

Took on a challenge to write weekly, and here it is January 12, and I've not written a thing.  Today, I finally took a moment in the chaos of motherhood to, at least, begin:
Here's my inspiration:

from “In the Subjunctive Mood” by Michelle Morano:

IN language, as in life, moods are complicated, but at least in language there are only two. The indicative mood is for knowledge, facts, absolutes, for describing what’s real or definite.  You’d use the indicative to say, for example:
            I was in love.
            Or, The man I loved tried to kill himself.
            Or, I moved to Spain because the man I loved, the man who tried to kill himself, was driving me insane.
            The indicative helps you tell what happened or is happening or will happen in the future (when you believe you know for sure what the future will bring).
            The subjunctive mood, on the other hand, is uncertain.  It helps you tell what could have been or might be or what you want but may not get.  You’d use the subjunctive to say:
            I thought he’d improve without me.
            Or, I left so that he’d begin to take care of himself.
            Or later, after your perspective has been altered, by time and distance and a couple of cervezas in a brightly lit bar, you might say:
            I deserted him (indicative).
            I left him alone with his crazy self for a year (indicative).
            Because I hoped (after which begins the subjunctive) that being apart might allow us to come together again.



Indicative mood and facts -- for example:
I am a mother.
Or, my child is giving the dog his pacifier.
Or, the light is coming through the window on the couch so perfectly just now; I can see the waves glisten too.
Or, I need a nap because I am a mother and my child is sharing his pacifier with the dog and the couch is so perfect for a nap just now.

Subjunctive mood and uncertainty -- for example:
I thought we could lay down together and take a nap.
Or, I am waiting for my partner to get home so I might nap.

Later, after my perspective is altered -- if I ever get a drink -- I could say:
I’ve been up all night nursing a sick and teething baby.
I will be starting the semester teaching in a couple weeks.
Because I am swamped with sleeplessness and teaching prep I hoped that my child would nap with me in the sun.

(Re)connecting and Oshun

Hard to believe a year has passed since I last posted on this blog.  I had hoped to turn it into a website -- but it's hard to choose the right formatting. I think I keep hoping Google will develop a website and that my blogger posts will easily transition into that system.  Alas, hasn't happened yet.

Too, I'm now the mama of a 14 month old, so writing (especially when the computer is down) is somewhat challenging.  It gets put in the final stack of "to dos." 

I have been able to journal and record bebe's growth and my own, and I've found time in the mornings to paint and be in quite meditative creation space.  Thank goodness.  Still, writing -- I find this writing just now delightful - a breath of fresh air -- powerful -- soothing.

This soothing is what I've been experiencing lately as I think upon my African ancestry and its influence on the curanderismo I carry.

Oshun -- artist unknown

Annual Newsletter

When I think about writing an annual newsletter for 2015, I know it’d be easy to just say 2015 was THE YEAR OF THE BABY. Pregnancy confirmed January 20, 2015 (first day of my women’s studies class Spring Semester at CSUDH), and baby birthed September 23, 2015 (at home on Autumnal Equinox). But, you know there’s so much more that happened as our Robin Sea Jaguar was developing in my womb. 

To begin, we made a few trips out to the Channel Islands with our sailing vessel “Abundance” and a couple great friends. We went diving for lobster, and the sea gifted me with an abalone shell. And, swimming through the great kelp forests out there was comparable to my times diving in Hawaii. Seriously, it was amazing, and I am so grateful for our sailboat and these priceless trips to places that are so close but so far for most us from So Cal. We kept our boat in Ventura, and although the commute from DH to Ventura wasn’t ideal, the boat life was worth it. 

Some achievements of the year: I celebrated my first mother’s day as a mother ever. I was also invited to speak at the Association for the Study of Women & Mythology as well as the National Association for Chicana and Chicano Studies. Then, I had my first academic publication in the Gloria Anzaldua “El Mundo Zurdo” anthology. And, some of my pieces from “Sacred Heart of Mango” were chosen for publication in JOTA. Finally, I began work on a new art series on pregnancy; my “Anak Talong” is above. It felt good and still does to be an academic as well as a mama. 

Throughout the year, we were honored with a handful of wonderful baby showers hosted by family and friends from the Bay Area to the LA Area. There’s so much love in our community for this #beberawr as I call him, and I certainly felt it as we celebrated the baby yet to be born in Huasna, in Whittier, in Ojai, and more.

Although we sold the boat in May and moved into our new place on the Peninsula in Long Beach in August, I enjoyed a great “summer of pregnancy” while Z was in Alaska fishing. I stayed at the family home in Whittier swimming and yoga-ing as well as seeing the chiropractor, acupuncturist, massage therapist, and psychologist (I have great health insurance through DH). I think it all culminated in my 36th birthday, which I spent at Glen Ivy (my first time going there ever). 

As you can imagine, the year peaked with the birth of baby binhi (“seed” in Tagalog), which went so well thanks to our birth team. If you are interested in the birth story, I can send it to you. We got to bring baby out to visit his ancestors in San Gabriel and Santa Maria in November, and then, of course the holidays were precious with a baby.

Loads of wintry love,

Me and the Rose-Hawkins Family

Seeking...Inspiration

And, I have a new writing station at my friend Delia’s little cottage in Whittier. I’m here for my third time as I try to cultivate memoir writing space, picking up from where I left off last summer after VONA (Voices of Our Nation’s Art Foundation).  VONA is meeting again this summer in Miami, and I elected to stay in So Cal in prep for the baby’s arrival in September.  Indeed, I let go of going to Anzaldua (a conference I was to present at) as well as MALCS in order to focus.  It feels good overall, but I do really want to pick up again Becoming a Woman of Color: A Travel Memoir.

I’ve got a lot to pull from: my travels of the last 16 years or so (which I began to process and write on while at VONA), our life of a sailboat, and now, my maternity.  The issue at hand, as is the case normally, is believing that I have something to say, believing that my story matters, and letting this true voice and story of mine come out. I do have the good news that my first academic paper has been published by El Mundo Zurdo and Aunt Lute Press. So, there's that.

Still, the need for a writing place outside where I live, thus the need for space to reflect in gratitude, thus the need for some inspiration. 

Inspiration: it’s time to look again at those VONA notes. 

I have been writing poetry about becoming a mother as well as creating daily paintings on the subject too.  These are accomplishments as are my established routines of these past three weeks: prenatal yoga, morning walks with friends, gym squats and arm exercises, swimming laps and helping Oliver get used to the pool (hopefully), acupuncture and chiropractor visits, playing lullabies for the baby with my guitar and voice, healthy protein rich diet with prenatal vitamins, oiling my body, and a few larger works of art. 

Full Moon/Venus-Jupiter Thoughts from Chani

Nevertheless, I’m seeking that fire (in the belly?) that I must simply write about this or this…

Doctor, you tell me …

Midwife, you tell me…

Mother, you tell me...???

Or,

Growing up and motherhood…tackling inner demons of what this all means?  How living on a boat and not an apartment or home help.  Doing it uniquely…trying to not repeat the same mistakes of my parents, my mother…

Or, the silence of growing a baby…

Summer 2015 and Catching Up with the Online World

This Summer:

This summer I find myself able to create the space to finally write, paint, play music, and maintain, to a certain degree, my website in progress and my blog long ignored. 

This academic year of teaching Gender and Ethnic Studies in L.A and living on a sailboat in Ventura has been quite full. What adds to this year's fullness is the arrival of a baby in my body!  Both a long time in my planning -- nearly 5 years -- as well as a wonderful surprise, this baby makes me deeply happy.  I've been diving into, as you can imagine, research on the subject of birthing babies, and now, I've firmly settled on my birth partners.  We've also had a few showers and will have more before the baby is due in September. 

Old Travelogues:

I have been writing snippets for the blog on my computer, but I haven't had wifi access on the boat. Thus, here are a few travelogue pieces from 2015:

4 June 15

I’ve survived the transition of Zack’s leaving for fishing.  I cried buckets the few days before we said goodbye, so much so, perhaps, that I wept a bit the way home from the airport, and then cried no more.  Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning all were spent in clearing the way for art and writing.  I literally cleaned my bedroom and what I am calling the creative room, and then I did so with my “home” work pile up.  Unemployment for part-time lecturer work, check. 200 bucks a week.  Billing verification for prenatal and birth care, check.  10% in network, 40% out.  Women baby showers for July planned, check.  Gym and yoga, check.  Oliver care, check.  Midwife and doula meetings, check.  And so much more really.

Now, this afternoon, thank goodness, I had the space to both write, paint, and play music.  I am grateful for the magic that I experienced in these creative activities. 

12 April 15

It’s been a moment since I last wrote, and it’s been too long since I have posted on the old blog.  I’ve been reluctant to change it up and develop the cristinagolondrina website even though it’s marketed in my bios for conferences and artshows.  I still can’t decide on how to begin.  And, then, of course, I imagine a link to boat thoughts and…most recent news…baby thoughts.   Just about right after that last blog post, on Jan 20 to be exact, I discovered I was with child, and since then, of course, life has really transformed.  That same day, Jan 20, I began the teaching for the Spring 2015 semester two classes on an intro to Women’s Studies, and combined baby and teaching has really quite consumed my energy.

When I speak about energy, I mean it.  From about Jan 20 til the beginning of April, I slept more than half of it in deep and rich dream filled naps and nights.  I also completed changed my diet and ate protein and smaller meals that I planned out; started up on pre-natals, folic acid, and DHA as well as iron, calcium, and chlorophyll; and, saw an acupuncturist and chiropractor and learned that I needed to stay warm (No cold beverages, always dry my hair) and eat papayas, kiwi, avocado, yams, and spinach.  I then read Ina May and Birthing from Within, and between doctor visits to Kaiser – that included an ultrasound (no twins), an image of an amoeba with legs, and a 180bpm heart beat – we also began the journey of deciding on genetic non-invasive blood testing.   We emerged an eternity later with a healthy prognosis and a midwife named Racha out of the LA Community Birth Center in midtown. 

Currently, we’ve got these things on the table:

-          We are pausing to transform some of the old gender/sex roles brainwashed into us since birth so that we can fully be present to our child (we know the sex from the blood tests) before we announce the sex to the world. 

-          We are looking for a home – a larger boat ideally.

-          We are getting a registry ready for our sisters, who are throwing us baby celebrations this month and next.  In this, we are learning about what we actually need. 

As the baby prep continues, I’ve also had the honor of presenting at a couple conferences, helping to plan women speakers on campus, and I’ve been painting again as well. 

18 jan 15

We made a grand dive out on Santa Cruz.  First, free diving in the kelp forests; I could see the light coming through the leaves, and I remembered diving in Hawaii.  

Then, scuba diving around the corner; I found an abalone shell, and I saw the great big orange fish – the Garibaldi.  And the seal that swam under us as we snorkeled we saw again I suppose when we were deeper scuba diving…at our eye level.

Afraid at first, but confident soon. Yes!

11 jan 15

Woke up to big leaks in the v-berth. Luckily, all were along side the starboard wall…so I wasn’t wet though the edges of my sleepside were.    I let the berth dry today, and Zack washed the sheets among other things because he woke up sick in the middle of the night.  Because of the rain we had a bunch of wet towels and such, so the laundry was needed.

I went out for a walk with Mr. O this morning and took a shower before getting ready for a day in the city with Reyna, Erynn, and Leti.   It was a day of finding a princess dress and speaking Spanish as well as finally finding a beautiful poncho I can wear for work.

Returning to the boat, it’s relatively dry, and we put on the heater (from the Goodwill and only 8 bucks).  Zack is still sick and I put on my lullaby playlist on Pandora.  The good neighbor Greenwells bought Z some tom yum gang and we share this.  I alslo open a bottle of the Toolin Around (Zack’s Aunt’s wine) I won for Christmas in the exchange.  I’m nearly ready for bed after pulling with coconut oil the bad things from my teeth, swishing with salt water and now brushing.  I’m a little concerened because I have’t started my moon.  Feeling the heaviness though.  Mostly concerned because of the wine I drank these last two weeks.  

10 January 15

It’s now been a little over 4 months since Z and I moved onto our Islander 30 mkii Sailboat. 

Today is a rainy day, and we’ve been working inside.  The work includes refinishing the wood, replacing the head (bathroom) sink hose, and installing a co/smoke detector in the v-berth (the second cabin and “master bedroom” of the boat). 

Oliver (my nearly 9 year old Cavalier) sleeps is the salon on my right as I type at our dining table that converts into a bed when we have company.

These last few weeks have been full of holiday celebrations as well as taking time to envision our future.  This week has been putting visions into action.  We ..

Got up for a moment to check on an old leak. We have tarps covering a vulnerable area on the starboard (right side) of the boat where the toe rail (made of teak and helpful for not falling when walking on the deck) has some holes we guess.  Unfortunately, the tarp isn’t covering a big spot where the chain plate (metal plates that are integral to the boat) comes through into the cabin.   These chain plates anchor the standing rigging that keeps the mast in place.  A leak is alarming but not that special when it comes to other boats in the harbor.

The Plan:

To finally develop "z website" and to write about:

My partner’s message to our child.

My tribute to my partner before Father’s Day.

The baby moving.

The leaving of our boat home…the future plan this year, and the next five years…

Recent Publications and Doings

I had hoped to have a fine website by now, but I've been delayed.  For good reason, really; I got a job as a professor of Women's Studies at CSUDH, and I've continued presenting on my findings.  Oh, and we bought a sailboat.

More on these things to come.



For now, I'd like to celebrate some publications and exhibitions.

Here they are from my cv:

PUBLICATIONS

“mumbling of prayers,” Regeneración Tlacuilolli: UCLA Raza Studies Journal, 2014.

“Ah, Abuela,” Prairie WolfReview. 2014

“I Ask My Younger Sister,” Label Me Latina/o Literary Review. 2014.

“Tita Tells Me,” Blotterature LiteraryReview. 2014.

ART Exhibits

“Sacred Heart of Mango,” at the City of Los Angeles’ 23rd Annual Festival of Philippine Arts andCulture (FPAC 23), Los Angeles, October 5-6, 2014

Done Graduated: Introducing Dr. Cristina

             I can hardly believe it’s been a couple weeks since I’ve posted and a month since a more formal post on my dissertation.  Since submitting my dissertation for publication on May 3, so much has occurred. Where do I begin?

            Well, first, I’ve called the last few weeks since commencement as “Season of Celebration.”  Commencement weekend itself was its own transformation. A batek, a big party at Jill’s in Berkeley, and commencement itself.  Celebratory yes but also ceremonial intense.

            Getting away to Santa Cruz – Brighton State Beach – was a relaxing response to the prep and parties as was some time with family and on the central coast with my love.  Celebration season finished back down in Los Angeles for my final party at my family home in Whittier.  Just so great! Altogether, my parties brought so many precious loved ones together, and I’m grateful for the good folk who have been a part of my educational journey.

            Second,  I’m proud to share that I am the “owner” of a website: cristinagolondrina.com. For now, it really goes back to this blog at blogspot; however, I have high hopes for it to be a place to showcase my writing and artwork.  As I look for teaching and organizing work in the Autumn, I’m establishing myself as an independent writer-artist. 

            In part this is because my summer has developed into quite the artist-writer season.  Just this month includes my artwork in exhibits in L.A. and Berkeley, Filipina-Indigenous weekly dancing, and VONA’s creative writing workshop too!

            Indeed, the two projects taking the most energy right now are: 1. Prepping my blog formatted in such a way that I can submit it as a manuscript to work on at VONA workshop.  And 2. Revising and submitting my resume/cv out into the world with my sister network.

 CRISTINA ROSE SMITH, PhD

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND:

PhD, Women’s Spirituality, Philosophy and Religion, California Institute of Integral Studies.  Proposed Dissertation: “A Labyrinthine Altar to Integrative Solidarity: A Mestiza (Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican) Approach to Multiethnic Creative Texts.” 2014.

MA, English Literature, California State University, Long Beach.  Emphasis: Women’s Literature.  Thesis: “The Female Literary Tradition: Surrogate Mother-teachers in Mary Wollstonecraft's "Original Stories" and "Maria" and George Eliot's "The Mill on the Floss" and "Romola.” 2008.

BA, English Writing, Biola University, La Mirada, California.  Concentration: Classical Literature. 2002.

Academic Interests in Teaching and Research: Transformational Multiculturalism, Gender, Race, Multiethnic Pedagogy, Women’s Writing, Multiethnic Studies, Mestiza Consciousness and Gloria E. Anzaldua, Post-colonial Studies, Indigenization, Feminist/Womanist Studies, Decolonization, Multiethnic and Multicultural Literature, Ecofeminist, EcoMestiza Thought, Pedagogies of the Sacred

PUBLICATIONS

“Tita Tells Me,” Framing Our Stories: An Anthology of Inter-generational Writings. The Alvarado Project Press. San Francisco. Expected release date: end August, 2014

“Herstory of Creation,” Ofrendas of the Flesh. Mujeres de Maiz Press, Los Angeles. 2014.

“Dearest Lola Yolanda,” Verses Typhoon Yolanda: A Storm of Filipino Poets. Meritage Press, San Francisco. 2014.

"La Golondrina Ibon." Baybayin. Kabuay Press. San Francisco. 2013.

PAPER PRESENTATIONS

National Women’s Studies Association (NWSA), Puerto Rico. Paper Title: "Mestiza Daughters in Conversation: Spiritual-Feminist Examination of Mestiza Identity.” November 2014.

MALCS (Mujeres Activas en Letras y Cambio Social) Summer Institute, Northern New Mexico College.  Paper Title: “Embodied Mapping: A Mestiza (Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican) Approach to Home.” July 2014.

Gender and Women’s Studies Section, Western Social Science Conference (WSSA), Albuquerque, NM.  Paper Title: “Mestiza Xicanas and Mestiza Filipinas: Borderland and Diasporic Literary Mestizaje.” April 2014.

The Association for the Study of Women and Mythology (ASWM), San Antonio, TX. Paper Title: Finding Solidarity in Mutiethnic Creative Writing.” March 2014.

American Literature Association (ALA) Symposium, "The Latina/o Literary Landscape." San Antonio, TX. Paper Title: “Finding Solidarity in Transformational Multiethnic and Spiritual Creative Writing:  A (Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican) Mestiza Approach to Literary Critical Methodologies.” March 2014.

“El Mundo Zurdo,” Society for Gloria Anzaldua, San Antonio, TX.  Paper Title: “Xicana, Filipina, and Euroamerican Transformational Integration in Solidarity in Multiethnic Creative Writing.” November 2013.

American Academy of Religion Conference/ Western Region, Tempe AZ.  Women’s Caucus.  Paper Title: “Bioregionalism and Collaboration: Allies in the Ventura County Grassroots Community.” March 2013

9^th Mindanao International Studies Society (MISS) Convention 2013, Zamboanga City, Philippines.  Presentation Title: “Multiethnic Goddesses.” February 2013.

American Academy of Religion/ National Conference, Chicago, IL.  Women of Color Scholarship, Teaching, and Activism. Paper Title: “Sacred Ecowoman: Naming and Reclaiming.” October 2012

American Academy of Religion Conference/ Western Region, Whittier, CA. Goddess Studies I: The Virgin Mary Across and Beyond the Americas:  Merging Cultural Realities and Emergent Manifestations.  Paper Title: “Embodied Restless, Mestiza- Feminist Spirituality, and the Divine Feminine.” March 2011. 

“(dis)junctions 2008: Where the Streets are Re-named” Conference, University of California, Riverside, CA.  Paper Title: “God’s Delight in Eve’s Dancing in ‘Mazes Intricate’: Labyrinths and A(Maze)ment in Milton’s Paradise Lost.” April 2008.

Hawaii International Conference on Arts and Humanities, Honolulu, HI. Paper Title: “Extending the Female Literary Tradition: The Need for and Fulfillment of Surrogate Mother-Teacher Figures in the Lives of Mary Wollstonecraft and George Eliot.” January 2008.

ART Exhibits

“Sacred Heart of Mango,” at "The Arrival of the 12th Poblador," The Pico House, El Pueblo Historical Monument, Los Angeles, May 9 - 25, 2014

 "Sacred Heart of Mango Xicana-Pinay" and "Sacred Heart and Mango with Roses and Fire," “IMPACT,” DISCLOSE and Worth Ryder Gallery, UC Berkeley, June 7-13, 2014