Mourning

Today was the final day of "official" mourning for Papa.  We buried him at Riverside National Cemetery. Hard to imagine that five weeks back from yesterday, Papa died.  Papa died on a Sunday, and it seems fitting to complete things (of sorts) on a Monday. I felt that after a Friday vigil, Saturday service, Sunday cremation, and Monday burial, that I was now ready to let go, at least, of grief for now.  I am thankful for these past weeks of mourning, and now, I feel like celebrating. 

 At the vigil, I read a poem I wrote for Papa, and at the service I gathered the family together for a family photograph long needed.  Sunday observing the cremation, I also got a chance to say goodbye one last time to his body.  I was so thankful for this special time, and he looked so peaceful.  As we left the funeral home, part of me wondered, "how is this natural?" but my time on the farms reminded me that his body transforming is just a part of the natural way of things. Like the trees and all living things, Papa's body makes way for new life and rebirth.  I'm not saying it doesn't feel strange or sad that his body isn't with me anymore, but I find peace in my relationship with the Earth that allows me to embrace the mystery of it all.

 

I guess it's similar to how strange and a bit sad it feels that I never got to meet this Papa, when he was so young.  I'm struck again by how it is so strange and sad that we grow up.  It hurts.

Yes, I've been feeling a lot of pain and sleeping a lot.  I read on a friend's facebook wall recently that in falling a part, we can pick up the pieces we want to and leave the rest. This is such a place of power I was reminded from another friend, and I've been wondering, what pieces will I choose?

In love...

I've been preparing myself for Solstice next week and the full moon Wednesday. Breathing in my shadow self(welcome welcome) and my emotions, breathing out guilt and shame.  Breathing in interdependency, breathing out codependency.  Breathing in in-loveness with my body and the Earth, breathing out the love of just one (person, group, cause).

We held a ceremony at the Abundant Table with the sisterfriends to feast on our insecurities.  We hiked the chumash trail along the pch.  We accepted reality.  We lived in the present moment. We let go of the ideal in our relationships.  We got all messy.  We danced in our vulnerability.  We celebrated our community and allies.  We embraced mystery.  We recognized ourselves as healers.  We played.  We enjoyed one another. 

I miss you

I'm missing a lot of loved ones these days.

This is only a start: I miss you, Papa.... 

Ah me, Quail Springs

After Papa passed, I decided it was time to just love myself, and I headed back to the land that nurtured me.  I sat in my dwelling place, I held on to the Earth and friends I had grown to love, I danced, I played music, and I let go.

Quail Springs: The only constant is change

A week or so since I've written on ye ole blog, and so much has changed.  Life is like that, no?  Slow and steady then suddenly different and perhaps a bit fast and disorderly.  This movement from order to chaos seems so natural and yet so disconcerting sometimes.  Perhaps even like the interchange between grief and praise, death and life?  Here's some snapshots from the week:

my first piece on the lathe: a chalice

the gids visit!

learning how to hula hoop/the keaneys visit!

fotografia at the top of the watershed

It's been a week of good things and yet heart-aching things. Even now, I'm back in L.A. to be with Papa as he goes into hospice.  It was terribly difficult to leave Quail Springs (left my camper behind because I'll be returning soon!).  And, when I arrived today, Papa didn't seem to recognize me at first. I played him some music with our guitar, and then he saw me.  He pointed at me and smiled.  I started singing "Bicycle Built for Two," and he joined in!

Quail Springs: Adventuring

Such a busy Friday.
This week has just flown by.  Tuesday cooking and Wednesday cleaning and Thursday visioning and Friday tidying.  We've made meals together, played music together, and shared our graditude for each other.  I love this. I love this community.
There's even been a bit of poetry reading (Mary Oliver, may she live forever), star and planet gazing with the new moon, and today I watched one of the youngest members of the community milk goats.
But mostly it's the relationships, and hearty dialogue.  I feel myself transforming.

Preparing the cinco de Mayo feast: Vic, Wyatt, Mae, and Kaiden

Jumping or Flying into the River



Con Senia




We are the music-makers: Senia, Mae, and Vic




My Vedic Chart: Thanks to Oscar



Senia and her bird

Vic and the Rattler

Quail Springs: Good Conversation(s), Good Things

Making Cob (clay, sand, straw) with friends from Whittier (Iris and Erin!)

So much ...simple joy and delight here on the land these days. Friends visiting, lectures on cross-roads in Portland, conversations while gazing up at the tree branches and leaves, learning new musica, making masala chai tea, checking out Saturn's rings through the telescope, planting a pomegranate tree, and learning the midwifery of death (of a turkey).

Pictures to demonstrate the "so much":


chewing on asparagus




My new hammock by the Dianita (thanks to Mark)




Singing with Julia in the common house




Transformative Water :)





Writing in Dianita





Off-Roading (up the dry creek bed) with Mark and Wyatt