Dia de los muerto/as as a Filipina!: More Dissertation Praxis

Indigenous Dance Moves

with my dissertation external committee member, Dr. Leny Strobel

These last few weeks have been a calm before the storm.  Just now, it is a busy busy week with more than a couple deadlines on the horizon.  I am calling this next week or so...."midterms"....in the hopes that I will take these tasks up with the gusto that I had while as an undergrad.  The Autumn darkness, I pray, will aid me in my entrance into this comfy and empowering cave of empowered writing, smart editing, and delightful concentration.  Yep, that sounds like a good vision, no?   

Before I do enter the cave, I wanted to pause and reflect in much gratitude about the past couple weeks.  I have had, once again, lovely opportunities to put my dissertation into practice.  For Dia de Los Muerto/as, I participated in an event in Santa Rosa in which the Xicana community invited the Filipina community to participate in the altars and in offering a dance.  

In honor of my lola and my abuela, I wore a ceremonial outfit that brought together pieces from New Mexican traditions as well as the tribes of the Philippines. 

Beautiful Filipina Community! 

All I can say, is WOW!  What a new thing for me to be a part of this Xicana/o world and yet come as a babaylan-inspired Mestiza Filipina!  I loved it, and I love thinking more and more about my mixed heritage, about being a Mexipina, and about being a spider with a foot in many worlds. 

Finishing Up a Full Draft Whilst in Alaska

Mid October, and it was time to turn in a full draft. And, I did it!! Approximately 300 pages!

First, I printed a complete draft after convening with my accountability partner/ tutor and edited that hard copy.  Then, I combined all my chapters into one softy copy document with my notes in a separate document.  Then, I made a list of the things I HAD TO DO in order to turn it in -- including cleaning it up/citation work --  made those changes from the hard copy edit, and...  Ta da!

Of course, my conclusion needs work, and I need to wait to see how my Chair responds, but it is in!!! And, on time!

And, all of this, I have done whilst visiting my partner in (often) sunny Alaska.  Good to feel like I am living while I am writing. 

A couple weeks of dissertation in action

Last weekend was the Second International Babaylan Conference. After working with the marketing and organizing these last several months, and I am grateful to have enjoyed the fruit of the conference/retreat.  I came away with a ceremonial headband from the northern tribes of the Philippines as well as with a connection to a tribal dancing group being formed this next month.  YES! This is what I have been wanting. 

Moreover, I also was able to continue to work through issues I bring up in my dissertation while at the retreat: the desire to belong, alienation as a deep wound, and a language that includes the multiethnic. I’m still learning how to be proud of my Mestiza ethnicity and culture, and I was grateful for those Mestizas/os at the retreat who created safe space for me to process some of the grief. 

Thankfully, I was able to move into more of a leadership role with the next Babaylan event.  I coordinated the Filipina-American Ritual/Opening Ceremony at the Asian Art Museum.  It was much easier for me to feel like I belonged with a set role in the day’s activities.  And, it all turned out so well.   Our altar was covered with a diverse array of handwoven fabrics from the tribes in the Philippines.  Then, fruit of the Philippines (pineapples, bananas, etc) covered the fabric. Just gorgeous!!

And, the ritual itself, with gangsa, dancers, and babaylan-inspired procession leaders, was so transformative.  We chanted and prayed and carried baybayin banners with the words “creativity” and “renew” translated.   Altogether, there was about 30 of us including a Mestiza friend from school!  And, my dear friends from Kularts, CIIS and Bay Area, and the Farm came out!

Overall, I feel such a great sense of accomplishment and connection.  Grateful, also, to have a bit more space to write with these events done and done well.

 

Last, I want to note the power of vulnerability in my writing.  As I’ve been editing my writing, I’ve been editing a friend’s writing.  We've been sharing our work, and I've been so impressed by my friend's work in particular. She writes: 

“I am fortunate to have received an education that was both interdisciplinary and academically rigorous, where the classroom was the location where self-empowerment and agency were the byproduct of a shared commitment to excellence through learning.”  

With her “assets and strengths” as her “toolkit,” she writes that she carries “a sensitivity to cultural diversity, an inherent intellectual inquisitiveness combined with a critical lens” and also a “transformative pedagogical praxis.”

I am so inspired by this sister’s way of writing, and as I shared my work with her, she was inspired as well.  Now, that’s community.  

"Solidarity Within"

Gave a 52 page chapter 5 to my dissertation chair on Friday, and it felt wonderful. I enjoyed in this chapter being able to bring in my literary analytic tools.  I found myself flowing and accessing a remembered creativity and assertiveness too.

Now, four days later, I’m worried again that what I’ve written needs serious revisions.  No, really, in my sleep, I don’t worry it needs revisions, I fear it’s unacceptable. 

I was telling someone last week I believe that I haven’t felt this much anxiety and fear about my writing since I was in 6^th grade.  I was sharing my old story of how, before 6^th grade, I wanted to belong so much, but I had no idea how to make it happen.  After 6^th grade, I learned some specific ways to “fit in” by losing weight, memorizing and regurgitating, and writing to the teacher. 

Well, I’ve come full circle, right? Finally, in my PhD, I’m embracing that little girl and saying you don’t have to “fit in”; you can study in a way that feeds your body, mind, and heart.  And, my dissertation is a platform for my voice speaking to this topic of internal solidarity.  

Now, on to revise the intro and draft a conclusion this week. 

Community Support

In my Centering Prayer group this week, the contemplative question was whether we had found God/dess or Consciousness in other cultures than the one(s) we grew up within.  I shared in my reflection that I actually think it's a miracle that the mystery of God/dess could be found within such a controlled box of my childhood church.  And, I am grateful for the cracks that let that light (and dark) in.

 I also shared how I was, indeed, continuing to find this mystery in cultures that were actually my own but lost through generations of racism and sexism.  That is, I am finding God/dess in remembering the spirituality of my (mostly female) ancestors.  And, here's the good news, my ethnic cultural heritages are amazing, and mysteries are unfolding!



This past weekend, in particular, was a lovely journey into my Filipina ethnic cultural and spiritual mysteries. I joined other women from the Center for Babaylan Studies at the FilAm Arts Festival in San Pedro. I loved being able to connect with these sisters and aunties (and brothers) that I know from my travels in San Francisco and the Philippines.  I enjoyed the kulintang music, the massage station, the Babaylan Pavilion, and the dancing most of all.

Encouraging Feedback

This past week, I finally had a long talk with my committee chair, and she gave me such positive feedback about Chapter 4. IT FELT SO GOOD! I was reminded, in that moment, just how much feedback means to me.  

This reminder also came again when I received an email about my poetry being accepted to read at an event in San Francisco at the end of October.  And, it came again when I saw some of my writing on an advertisement for a friend's book coming out later this year. 

Altogether, I have some renewed energy in connecting with my classmates who are also working on their dissertations.  Time to work on check-in groups again.  Thankfully, this week also begins tutoring sessions again with the Writing Center at my school. This is a great way to stay accountable to my dissertation birthing too. 

My chair also encouraged me to take a bit more time on Chapter 5 and that there really was no rush to finish it up this past weekend.  Thus encouraged, I took some time to do something adventurous.  I thought long about going diving off of the Channel Islands (Anacapa), but decided it would be too much of a challenge just now.  Better, I thought, to be gentle with myself.  So, I went swimming (nude!) with my old friends in the Matilja Ojai dam.  

Due this week: Chapter 5

This week is the week I turn in Chapter 5 to my dissertation chair. I've got a draft. I recently added some new research, and in the next few days, I will revise and work on flow and integration. It's been a laborious journey of already integrating what I've been reading into my life and into my language; thus, my hope is that these continuing revisions will be smooth.

A few wonderful things happened this last week. First, I've received two scholarships! Free money feels so good!  Second, I received my official letter that I've advanced to candidacy!!  Hung that up on my wall.

I also had some refreshing conversations with friends who are also in the final year or so of their PhD. I felt so normal after these talks.

And, third, my birthday was yesterday! I was able to take some time and enjoy life relatively free from the dissertation work at the Getty and a hike on the Getty View Trail.